


Tell Me How All This, and Love Too, Will Ruin Us

by sparkleworm



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Ichijouji Ken's Memory Is Swiss Cheese, Idiots in Love, Insecure Ken, Jogress Bonds, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Pining, Soulmates, slight body horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29332173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkleworm/pseuds/sparkleworm
Summary: “I-- I can’t.” As soon as the words leave his mouth, the back of Ken’s neck pulses with an immediate, shocking pain. It knocks the breath out of him, chills him to the very bone.No. Not this pain. Not again.-When Daisuke confesses to Ken on Valentine’s Day, Ken’s dark seed starts acting up.
Relationships: Ichijouji Ken/Motomiya Daisuke | Davis Motomiya
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15
Collections: Daiken Valentine's Exchange 2021





	Tell Me How All This, and Love Too, Will Ruin Us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Okikage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okikage/gifts).



> Happy Valentine’s Day to one of my most admired writers, Okikage!  
> So, I heard you like angst. I took your original prompt way out of proportion, so uh… hope that’s cool.  
>   
> PS. Title comes from the poem Scheherazade by Richard Siken.  
> 

_What can you know about a person? They shift in the light. You can’t light up all sides at once. Add a second light and you get a second darkness, it’s only fair._

_\- Richard Siken_

It starts out as just a regular evening at Daisuke’s apartment after school. They do some homework, eat snacks and play games, and the evening flies by with that easy sort of familiarity they’ve gotten so used to through the years. It’s just around the time where Ken thinks he should start getting ready to leave when Daisuke disappears to his room to fetch something. He emerges with a little box, goes straight up to Ken and hands it to him. Ken furrows his brows. It’s not his birthday, and they already exchanged Christmas presents two months ago.

The box is small and black with textured silver details. Daisuke pushes the box into his hands and encourages him to open it, and Ken lifts the lid to reveal rows of small chocolates, delicately decorated with different colours of icing. What’s more, they’re homemade. Ken understands what it is at once. Honmei chocolate. That’s when Ken realises what day it is: Valentine’s Day.

Is this it? Is Daisuke confessing to him? Daisuke looks so sincere. He’s staring expectantly at him, heart on his sleeve. Ken frowns at him. “Daisuke… Why… are you giving me this?”

“Oh, yeah. Well, it’s Valentine’s Day and all, so I figured I should give you something since I care about you so much! I made them myself, you should try them.” Daisuke explains, effectively explaining nothing. Is this Daisuke’s way of confessing? Or just a token of their close friendship? Ken doesn’t know how to take his words. Has Daisuke found out about Ken’s feelings? He’s been so careful, so persistent in hiding his feelings, always squashing them down, down, down. But there’s one thing he’s certain of: Daisuke can’t possibly love him.

Daisuke has always been the touchy-feely kind. Lately, he’s been worse than ever, always slinging his arm around Ken, tickling or pouncing or even _caressing_ him. But it’s not like he means any of it in a suggestive way, and that makes it all the more torturous. Ken’s crush has only gotten worse during this, so much that he often has trouble looking Daisuke properly in the eye without blushing. He has been avoiding spending time alone with Daisuke recently for this reason, but he asked him specifically to come over today, and Ken couldn’t turn him down. He has made a vow to hide his feelings so Daisuke won’t ever know, so they can stay best friends, but he never dreamed it would be this difficult. As much as he wants to avoid his friend so he won’t discover how Ken feels, another part of him wants to see him so much that he might burst with the effort of stomping down his desire.

Daisuke sees his complicated expression. He seems to reconsider. “I guess what I mean to say, is… I like you. A lot.”

Ken stiffens. This can’t be happening. This isn’t part of his plan. Daisuke isn’t supposed to confess to him, he’s supposed to stay oblivious so Ken can get over him in peace. Ken isn’t ready for whatever this is.

Daisuke is always saving him, reviving him. He figured soon enough he would want something in return, but Ken isn’t sure that he has anything to give. He is nothing more than a parasite, feeding on Daisuke’s energy and warmth. He can’t do this anymore.

“Daisuke… I… I can’t accept this.”

Daisuke’s face falls. “What? Why?”

“I can’t give you anything in return… I… I can’t even cook!” The thought of reciprocating, of having to make Daisuke chocolate for White Day, terrifies Ken. He’s never tried baking anything in his life. And the thought of being in a relationship with someone when he can’t even do something as simple as that terrifies him even more. There is no way Ken can give Daisuke anything in return. How is he going to show Daisuke how much he means to him? Words and gratitude aren’t enough. He has to convince Daisuke to reconsider.

To his surprise, Daisuke just smiles at him. “You don’t have to worry about that, I can cook for the both of us!”

“That’s not what I mean. I… I don’t deserve this.” His face heats up. Shame pools deep in his gut. The pain of laying himself bare stabs at him.

“Of course you deserve it! Can’t we just try?” Daisuke is undeterred, looking at him pleadingly. Of course his reasoning is simple, everything is so straightforward with him. How can he deny Ken’s objections so easily? Doesn’t he know how filthy Ken is?

“I-- I can’t.” As soon as the words leave his mouth, the back of Ken’s neck pulses with an immediate, shocking pain. It knocks the breath out of him, chills him to the very bone.

No. Not this pain. Not again.

“I can’t do this. Sorry.” The words come out clipped and short. They taste horrible. He tries to push past Daisuke, but Daisuke’s eyes haven’t left him all this time, and he has seen how Ken stiffened. He grabs onto Ken’s shoulder and blocks his exit.

“Ken… We can work through this. Just tell me what to do.”

Ken shakes his head, tries to think through the haze, through the terror that burrows its way inside him, eats a hole in his head and makes itself at home there. “I don’t understand. You should be disgusted with me. I’m… I’m disgusting.”

“Are you still on about that? Come on, Ken, I thought we’d moved past that stage.”

“What stage?” he asks, voice hollow. Ken hasn’t moved past anything. He needs to find the strength to accept himself every single day. But Daisuke doesn’t know that.

“Ken, please. I love you…” Daisuke looks crestfallen, clutching onto Ken’s shoulder with shaking fingers.

 _Why do you love me? Have you seen my insides? Ugly, dark, writhing._ Ken tries to not think about it, tries to avoid it as much as possible. He pushes it all away, takes a deep breath.

“Can you wait for my answer? On White Day I’ll tell you.”

*

Ken goes home and folds himself into bed, where he stays all day. Wormmon cuddles into him, trying to cheer him up. His partner tries to talk to him, a concerned tremble in his sweet voice, but Ken can’t bring himself to reply. He spends hours staring at nothing, feeling completely numb. The box of chocolates sits on his desk, untouched. By nightfall he has ten missed calls from Daisuke, and even more texts he’s been too scared and apathetic to read.

Ken’s neck itches, constantly. It’s unbearable, and he just wants to scratch until it goes away. But he can’t bring himself to touch it, can’t deal with the thought of what’s in there – the thought that it has come alive again.

He spends the days in a haze. He can’t remember what he did yesterday or the day before, only goes through the motions. Eating. Bathing. Smiling at his mother, spending time at his computer or hunched over a book at his desk, body numb and mind far away. Spending time in bed, sleeping. Dreaming.

Ken is floating. The sky is empty above him, and he is slowly drifting up and down in gently swaying water. He stretches his arms out, trying to feel the cool, refreshing water on his skin, but touches only void. He tries to relax, leans his head back and attempts to catch some rays from the sun, but all he feels is a chill go through him.

Suddenly, he feels movement in the water beneath him. He turns to look, and sees a pair of arms rushing towards him from deep in the water. The arms are blackened as if burned, gnarled as if made of bark, fingers full of long crooked nails. They seem to reach all the way to the bottom.

He flails in the water, but there is nowhere for him to escape. The arms grab him, long and spindly, wrapping around him and dragging him down. Ken tries to scream, but only inhales the grey, staticky void of the Dark Ocean.

He wakes with a start. He gasps for breath, clutching his chest. He won’t calm down, even when Wormmon clambers into his lap and hugs him and whispers reassurance to him.

He looks at his phone and sees a text.

_Are you okay?_

He ignores the message and instead spends all night staring into the darkness.

*

Ken drags himself out of bed, dark bags under his eyes. His mother sends him a concerned look across the breakfast table, but he ignores her. He holes himself in his room afterwards, hunching over his desk. Wormmon paces the floor anxiously. His partner’s little prolegs scratch against the floor, and it gives Ken a headache. He ends up yelling at Wormmon to stay still. Wormmon immediately seizes up with a terrified shriek, and that’s when Ken realises what he’s done. He pushes away from his desk and falls to his knees, cradling his partner in his arms.

“Wormmon! I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Can you forgive me?”

“Ken-chan…” Wormmon whispers miserably.

Ken ends up playing with Wormmon to cheer him up, until his little partner doesn’t look quite so small and scared anymore. He tries to show Wormmon that everything is alright, that he feels fine, but he struggles to sound sincere, struggles to make his smile reach his eyes. Wormmon looks at him uncertainly, but is won over by hugs and cookies eventually.

Once evening arrives, Ken feels completely exhausted. It’s as if he only has half of his normal amount of energy, and it’s all been drained already. His phone vibrates, and yet another message from Daisuke appears on the screen.

_Please pick up, Ken. I need to talk to you._

Ken shifts his phone from one hand to the other, staring at the characters on the screen until they blend together. What is there to talk about? He can’t let Daisuke see him like this. He’ll just have to wait until he feels a bit better. He’s sure this will all go away soon enough. He ignores the message, and keeps ignoring the phone calls from Daisuke that arrive at regular intervals until bedtime.

He turns his nightlight out and settles down in bed to go to sleep. Darkness settles in around him. His heart is hammering, thinking about his nightmare the other night.

Ken doesn’t like the dark. It makes him imagine things that aren’t there, makes him think about places that allow no light to shine through. He pulls his duvet up to his chin and shivers, scrunches his eyes shut tight and begs for the dark not to come and swallow him up. He feels himself sinking through the floor of his mind, sinking into that secret place he thought he had locked away forever. Wormmon lies against his side under the covers, his presence a small comfort.

As he lies there, he can’t help but imagine a grey beach. The image forces itself into his mind, although he wants nothing more than to forget all about it, push it all away. He feels, ever so faintly, something brushing against him. He tries to focus on Wormmon’s slow breathing beside him, but there’s something at the end of the bed. He feels it like someone’s soft, ghastly breath: tepid, shapeless waves are licking at his feet. He sees it vividly inside his mind: an endless expanse of grey, tainting the horizon with its dismal silhouette.

Ken kicks his legs viciously and huddles against his headboard, trying to get away from the unfamiliar thing touching him, trying to go somewhere the waves can’t reach him. Terror clutches at his heart and threatens to eat him alive, drown him in the static waves. Wormmon starts from his sleep and scrambles to cover Ken’s back protectively. Ken desperately tries to ignore the thrumming of the skin on the back of his neck. He clutches his head between his hands and whimpers, thinking of the person who always comes running for him, chasing after him where no one else dares to follow.

“Daisuke…”

*

Ken is sitting at his desk losing himself in his schoolwork when the doorbell rings. A few moments later his mother is calling his name, and Ken exits his room and sees Daisuke standing by the door. Daisuke flashes him a grin when he lays eyes on Ken. It might just be Ken’s imagination, but his friend’s expression looks forced, as if Daisuke is forcing himself to look like his usual cheerful self. His face looks wan, and there are shadows dragging at his eyes. V-mon is with him, the little dragon standing beside his partner and grinning just as wide. Part of Ken wants to tell his friend to leave. Another part of him wants to beg him to stay.

“What do you want?” Ken’s voice comes out colder than he means it to sound.

“Listen… I feel like I didn’t get to explain myself properly the other day. There must have been some sort of misunderstanding. But I know how to fix this. We just have to Jogress!”

Of course Daisuke would insist that they Jogress evolve so he can understand what Ken is feeling, and vice versa. He’s always so optimistic. But if they Jogress, Daisuke will know. He’ll know how Ken feels, and he’ll know about the darkness creeping at Ken’s mind. He can’t let that happen.

Ken regards him. “I thought I told you to wait until White Day.”

“I can’t wait a whole month, no way! Now come on.” Daisuke makes to grab Ken, but Ken blocks him.

“I… I don’t want to.”

Daisuke’s face falls again. “Ken, why are you hiding from me? You don’t ever need to hide from me. I’ve seen you, I _know_ you.”

Ken averts his eyes. Daisuke has seen too much, knows far too much. He has seen the bare slate of Ken’s mind, and Ken _liked_ it.

“Ken, trust me.”

Daisuke takes Ken’s hand and pulls him back into his room, closing the door behind them. He steps up into Ken’s personal space and encourages Ken to put an arm around him, grabbing onto his wrist with his other hand. This is how they’ve figured out how to Jogress on command. They get close and hold each other, searching for each other’s heartbeat. Finding each other’s pulse, they close their eyes and concentrate.

Normally, it doesn’t take them long. They used to be able to do it at the drop of a hat. They would just be able to merge with each other, slide slowly into each other’s consciousness.

Daisuke puts his arm around Ken and presses his thumb against his wrist, feeling for his pulse. Their chests are touching too, and he can feel Daisuke’s heartbeat through his thin shirt. It’s an intimate position, too intimate for Ken’s comfort. Daisuke hooks his chin over Ken’s shoulder, and his face is suddenly very close to the back of Ken’s neck. Ken tenses immediately, but Daisuke’s hand is rubbing his back soothingly. Ken feels his neck pulse with ugly desire. He imagines the seed in him wanting to grow, wanting to open its dark and beautiful petals and possess him, body and soul. Slowly, he relaxes in Daisuke’s embrace.

They stand like that for a while, listening to each other’s pulse. Daisuke grips him tighter. His back is trembling where Ken holds it. Ken searches, but there’s no inkling of Daisuke to be found within him.

There’s nothing there. Their connection is gone.

Daisuke’s face crumbles. “I can’t feel you anymore.” Ken can see the tears build in his eyes and spill over his cheeks, but can’t summon the energy to care. He only watches Daisuke’s shoulders shake and tremble before him. After a while, the tears give way to frustration.

“I know this isn’t you, Ken! Just snap out of it!” Daisuke brings his hand up suddenly and slaps Ken across the face. The heat on his cheek is the only sign that it happened at all. Ken didn’t feel it.

Distantly, he remembers a similar scene, desert sand flurrying around him and the wish to just let everything come to an end. When was that?

Daisuke’s hand lingers on Ken’s cheek, stroking the heated skin like an apology. “You’re stronger than this, Ken, I know you are. You can beat this, whatever it is.” He gathers himself together and gives Ken a long, hard look.

“I’m still waiting for your answer.” Then he leaves, closing the door behind him. Ken just keeps standing there, trying to think, trying to remember, trying to feel something, anything.

*

Ken dreams again. It’s ugly. The seed grows and grows until it bursts out of him, splits his whole back open. _What’s wrong,_ the darkness taunts him. _Don’t you like your new spine?_

The rest of Ken’s body lies limp as a ragdoll. Ken can’t do anything, stuck in his mind as the dark flower grows out of his body, springing out of him as though he’s nothing more than nourishing soil.

It’s Wormmon that wakes him this time. His partner is crying, terrified. Ken is crying too, desperately trying to feel his back and make sure it hasn’t opened. He wrenches off his shirt, turns onto his stomach and begs Wormmon to search him, look for any little crack along his spine. His Digimon crawls back and forth along his back, but assures him there’s nothing there. Ken still doesn’t rest easy for the rest of the night.

A vague memory swims to the front of his consciousness. He’s holding his D-3 aloft, straining with all his might, but it hurts, it hurts like his head will split. Hands are holding his, supporting him, giving him strength. And there’s a voice, a warm and assuring voice steering him firmly toward the light. Who is it? What are they saying? He suddenly hears another voice, cold and dark and clear as day inside his head: _Insolent fools! You will come to regret this!_

Ken lies in bed and shakes, can’t stop shaking for the rest of the night. He finds himself wondering what Daisuke is up to. Is he in bed right now, sleeping? Is he lying awake, thinking of Ken like Ken is thinking of him?

*

“Ken-chan? One of your friends is here to see you.” His mother opens his bedroom door and lets someone in. Ken hopes, for a second. He turns his head from where he’s seated at his desk and sees Hikari standing on his bedroom floor. She’s wearing a pink skirt and a white blouse, and is looking at him with something akin to determination.

“Ken-kun… Is everything alright with you? No-one has heard from you lately, and we’re getting worried.”

Ken doesn’t reply, just looks at her vaguely. After a beat, Hikari tries again. “Did something happen between you and Daisuke-kun?”

Ken shakes his head slowly. He doesn’t know what his expression looks like.

Hikari clutches her shoulder bag, perhaps for comfort. “It’s just that, Daisuke-kun’s been in a bad mood lately. He doesn’t look like he’s eating or sleeping well at all. And you’re not looking your best either, if you don’t mind me saying…”

Ken doesn’t react to her words. Her expression tenses, a cloud coming over her features. “I guess what I wanted to ask, was… are you alright, Ken-kun? Is the darkness pulling at you again?”

Ken fixes her with a pointed look, as if daring her to bring it up. When he doesn’t respond further, Hikari lets out a sigh. “It’s just, it’s been three weeks. I think you two need to make up. We’re all worried about you.”

Three weeks? Where has the time gone? If three weeks have gone by, he has no memory of them. It feels like yesterday he was breaking Daisuke’s heart. He feels so tired. He wishes Hikari would just leave well enough alone and leave.

“Hikari-san, if you don’t mind, I really need to get back to my studying.”

Hikari stares at him for a little longer, as if she wants to tell him off, possibly even slap some sense into him. Ken stares back.

Eventually, she takes the hint and leaves, closing the door none too gently behind her. Ken turns back to his work. He can feel Wormmon’s eyes on him from his spot under the bed. The skin on the back of his neck crawls and crawls.

*

Ken looks at himself in the bathroom mirror, taking in his bleary eyes and pallid skin. His face looks all wrong, like a naked hostage, bound and gagged. He looks down at his hands and they look all wrong too, as if someone screwed them off and put them back on the wrong wrists. Has he looked like this before?

There’s a burning sensation behind his eyes, like he wants to cry but there’s nothing to shed. What is he doing?

He knows he needs to accept Daisuke’s love. But he isn’t strong enough. He can’t bear the thought of Daisuke loving him. He is too scared to hope, too weak not to want it. The hollow cavity in his chest is screaming at him that he doesn’t need to be scared, but the whispers in his head are far louder. Why hadn’t he just accepted Daisuke’s confession on Valentine’s Day? Daisuke might not want him anymore now. He thinks of Daisuke, tries to picture his face, but he can’t get his facial features quite right, or his eye colour. It all feels fuzzy and far-off, like a distant memory.

On the way back to his room he catches a glimpse of the calendar and is shocked to see that it’s already March 10th. The days are ticking away toward White Day, but he doesn’t feel prepared at all. Where has all the time gone? What has he been doing all this time? He looks down at his phone, lying abandoned on his desk like Daisuke’s chocolates. No missed calls.

That night, he dreams of Daisuke. Daisuke is kneeling on the floor, crying. _Why did you leave me,_ he cries. _Now I have to go away too._ Daisuke’s face suddenly splinters, deteriorates into a million pieces of data in his arms.

This time when he wakes, he doesn’t cry. He lies paralysed in his bed and feels his chest swell and ache with painful emptiness, as if someone has bitten a large chunk out of it. He closes his eyes and concentrates with all his might, trying to feel something, spin the tiniest thread of connection. The emptiness in his heart answers with dead silence, and that scares him more than any nightmare.

*

Ken has just finished what little he could manage of breakfast when his mother comes and sits down at the table with him.

“Ken-chan, are you alright?” she asks him softly. Ken doesn’t know how to respond, but he puts on a strained smile. “Yes, Mama.” She doesn’t seem satisfied with that. She opens her mouth again.

“I’ve been worried about you lately. You’re spending so much time in your room, and your friends haven’t been around as often. You’re not eating as much as before, and you don’t seem to be sleeping well either. I can’t help but think back to the time before you… before you disappeared.” His mother’s voice wavers, and her eyes fill with tears.

“If there’s something bothering you, I need to know. I won’t let you struggle by yourself like I did before. I won’t do that to you. I… I just can’t let you down again.”

Ken looks at her, astounded. His mother is crying freely now, but she presses on. “I can’t help but think you’re going to disappear again… I can’t bear the thought…” She lets out a sob and pulls him into a hug.

Ken feels the strength of his mother’s love, bright and powerful like a beacon, and is reminded how he was freed from the influence of the dark seed by accepting his parents’ love. He realises that his mother is suffering, seeing him like this. And he realises at once what it looks like, all this isolation. He feels tears welling up and hugs his mother back, wrapping his thin arms around her and holding on. He allows himself to cry in his mother’s arms, inhaling her sweet, comforting scent. She cries too, burying her head in his hair, shoulders heaving. They hold each other like that for a long time, until they have no more tears to cry.

Some pieces fall into place through all the fog in Ken’s head. He thinks of Hikari, and he thinks of Daisuke. He realises that he can’t keep pushing Daisuke away, because they will both suffer for it. They’re both suffering now. He can’t function without Daisuke, no matter how much he thinks Daisuke is better off without him. And he realises that Daisuke doesn’t need anything from him except for his love, would never ask any more of him. That’s just how warmhearted his friend is. But he still wants to show Daisuke how much he cares about him, give him something tangible as a token of his love.

His eyes search for the calendar on the wall. March 13th. Tomorrow is White Day.

Ken untangles himself from his mother and gives her a smile. “Thank you, Mama. I’m alright, I promise. At least, I think I will be. I have a favour to ask of you…” His mother smiles back at him and nods encouragingly. Ken wills the words to come out.

“… Do you know how to make chocolate?”

*

Ken is running hard through the streets of Odaiba, clutching Wormmon in his arms. His hair is unkempt, the mid-March wind is whipping his face and his heart is galloping along with his legs. He hasn’t stopped running since he left his house this morning, save for the train journey, which felt like it took hours. This is his last chance. He can’t mess this up.

He turns up at Daisuke’s door, sweaty and red in the face. Daisuke opens the door and freezes at the sight of him. Before he can open his mouth to say Ken’s name, Ken interrupts him.

“Let’s Jogress.”

“Wha--”

“Let’s Jogress, right now.”

“But last time we tried--”

“We’re going to try again. And it’s going to work.”

“O-okay.”

Daisuke lets him in, and Ken kicks off his shoes and strides inside. He goes straight to Daisuke’s room and barges in, throws his rucksack carelessly to the ground and stands in the middle of the floor waiting for Daisuke. Wormmon and V-mon stand together near the bed and look at each other anxiously.

Daisuke comes in, looking apprehensive and a little sad, but he lets Ken embrace him. Ken grabs his friend’s wrist, closes his eyes and focuses on Daisuke.

He presses his thumb down hard, looking for Daisuke’s pulse. His heart gives a little leap when he finds it, and Ken moves closer, nosing into Daisuke’s neck and looking for his heartbeat there too. Daisuke follows him, hides his face in Ken’s neck and inhales slowly, purposefully. They listen to each other in the silence of the room, the pumping of blood through their bodies, the flutter of each other’s heart.

Ken focuses hard on Daisuke and tries not to run away from the fear and anxiety making his breath tremble and shake, the fear of laying himself bare. He stands firm, inhaling his friend’s familiar scent. He smells like cinnamon, like mothballs, like earth and wind and sun in his hair. He won’t run away anymore: he wants Daisuke to know. He needs Daisuke to save him again, bring him back to life.

All at once, Ken feels it. The steady pulse under his fingertips changes, just slightly. His own does at the same time. Their heartbeats are merging. The familiar thrill of it sends an exhilarating rush through him.

The fog in his head is clearing. Suddenly, he remembers everything about Daisuke in vivid detail, where the memories were cloudy just moments before. He remembers their first Jogress evolution, the groundbreaking feeling of becoming one with someone else, remembers their first sleepover and all the ones that came after. He remembers being scared in the dark of a truck, and Daisuke leading him to safety. He remembers opening the gate to the Dark Ocean and the warmth and love in Daisuke’s voice as he grounded Ken, remembers his every word. He remembers the mind illusion and Daisuke’s strong, unwavering conviction, the exact way his eyes looked in that moment, a brilliant chestnut brown. He remembers all the secret glances he threw Daisuke when the other boy wasn’t watching, every exciting thought he harboured for him in his mind. He remembers every detail of Daisuke’s smile, every tone of his laughter and every twinkle in his eyes. Daisuke running on the football field, Daisuke stuffing his face with noodles and bread, Daisuke stubbing his toe and tripping over his feet, Daisuke rolling around on the floor, clutching his stomach in laughter. Ken is reminded with shocking clarity just how he feels for his friend, all the swirling emotion in his gut making him hot and giddy all over.

His thoughts and feelings pour out of him, flow through his pores and into Daisuke’s body, into his consciousness. Ken lets Daisuke feel all of his emotions, desperate for him to understand.

_I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I love you I love you I love you I love you_

And he feels the echo of Daisuke’s feelings inside of him. Daisuke’s heart is leaping for joy, returning his sentiments just as strongly, sharing every fond memory and secret moment. His heart calls back to Ken’s in a thundering chorus.

_I love you I love you I miss you I miss you I miss you I love you I love you I love you_

Ken laughs, and then he bursts into tears, and Daisuke does too, and they’re holding each other tight through it, giddy and caught up in each other’s emotions, crying and laughing and chasing each other higher and higher.

For Ken, Jogress evolution has always been an extremely addictive experience. It makes him feel whole again, like colour has finally returned to his world after everything being bathed in shades of grey. Every time it happens, he never wants it to stop. He wants to do it over and over and over until he loses sight of anything other than Daisuke, wants to merge into Daisuke and leave all the ugly parts of him behind. For Daisuke it always seems to be more of a sobering affair, but no less equally exhilarating.

They come down after a while, and Daisuke wipes their tears from their cheeks with his fingers. Ken looks at him, admiring his rosy cheeks and shiny eyes. “You were right. I _am_ stronger than the darkness.”

“Damn right you are! I knew you’d pull through.” Daisuke grins back at him.

“But… I still don’t think I’m enough for you.” Ken looks down, insecurity burning in his gut even while he _feels_ the sincerity in Daisuke’s words. Daisuke cups his cheek and makes him look him in the eyes.

“Ken, you came into my life and it was like fireworks. The first time we Jogress evolved it was like the best Christmas illumination happening inside me all at once. It was so exciting! You’ve given me so much… You’ll always be enough, Ken. Way more than enough.” He wipes away a tear that has escaped from the corner of Ken’s eye.

“I’ve always wanted you. I was just scared. Thank you for giving me another chance.” _At this, at life._ Ken doesn’t mention that he means both, but one look at Daisuke shows that he understands.

Ken is suddenly reminded of something. He goes to his rucksack on the floor and rummages inside, bringing out a small blue box. “I got you this.” He sits on the bed and hands it to Daisuke, who opens the lid to reveal a small selection of handmade chocolates, somewhat clumsily arranged inside the box.

He tried his best with the chocolate, he really did. His mother had known exactly how to make it, and she gave him close instructions on how to measure out his ingredients and mix them, how to meld the cocoa powder with the butter and heat it up, then slowly add in milk and sugar until it became a smooth, shiny mixture. She wouldn’t do any of it for him, but would correct him if he made any mistakes. With his mother’s guidance, he managed to make a batch of decent-looking chocolates, the result of which Daisuke is currently gazing down at with a dopey smile.

“Ken…” Daisuke is looking at him now, with that warm smile that turns Ken’s insides into mush. On impulse, Ken reaches into the box and feeds Daisuke a piece of chocolate. He watches as Daisuke chews and hums, pleased. “Mm… Tastes good. Did you make this?”

Ken smiles. “I had a little help.” He feeds Daisuke another piece, watches his tongue come out to accept it, sucking it into his mouth.

Ken licks his lips. Then he pops a piece of chocolate inside his own mouth, savours the rich flavour melting on his tongue. He’s shocked at how good it tastes. Daisuke’s eyes are on him, on his mouth. The rest of the room shrinks away.

He doesn’t know which of them moves first until they are falling into each other, lips meeting and mouths melding together. Daisuke licks the rest of the chocolate from off his tongue, Ken shudders and holds on to him. He drinks from Daisuke, grabs at his shoulders and takes everything he can give him, kisses him until he’s dizzy.

They fall together on the bed, breathless. Ken gazes up at Daisuke, and he can’t stop the smile stretching his cheeks. He had almost forgotten how good it feels. Daisuke gazes back at him, bright eyes meeting and sharing secrets, and soon they’re both laughing, rolling around on the bed, tickling each other and hearing each other’s pulse soaring in their ears. Their bond sings.

Daisuke gives him a wide, happy smile. “I love you, you know that right?”

Ken’s chest feels light, full of soap bubbles tickling his insides. The back of his neck doesn’t itch anymore.

“I do now. And I love you too.”


End file.
